60th post
What Makes People Unhappy?
Bertrand Russell in his book The Conquest of Happiness analyses the causes of unhappiness and happiness. He believed that unhappiness is largely due to a mistaken view of the world, mistaken ethics, mistake habits of life, leading to destruction of that natural zest and appetite for possible things upon which happiness ultimately depends.
Though the tyranny of a social system makes people unhappy, I believe unhappiness is mostly self-inflicted. Based on my understanding, observation and experience, I consider the following to be the causes of unhappiness:
Not Accepting Reality: People worry most of the time about their image and what others think of them. People develop a false Ego- a perverted sense of importance-and build their image based on that. Anything that goes against self-perception is rejected, even if all the evidence suggests it is misplaced, finding an escape route from reality. We crave for others’ approval of what we do, and in order to be acceptable to others, we unwittingly live for others, rather than living for ourselves. This leads to mental turmoil, inability to decide what is good for oneself. It doesn’t strike to us that people are so preoccupied untangling their own problems that they hardly bother about others, of course except entertaining rumors and spicy gossip.
People prefer to live in comfort zone, wishing to be ‘practical’; and unwilling to take risk to live better life, losing out opportunities of growth and achievement and reach greater heights. The Entrepreneur Gary Veynerchuk says when he asked the people the topmost regret of their lives and the common response was: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” And courage to be impersonal is a rare quality. As Thomas Edison said, “success is belief in yourself and courage to take risk”, and without taking risk nothing great is ever achieved.
Ungratefulness: Gratitude is the greatest virtue. One of the reasons for feeling unhappy or sad is that we don’t count our blessings. We don’t feel grateful towards life and those who helped us in one way or the other in our turbulent long journey of life. More than 200 million people in India sleep empty stomach every night. Compared to these unfortunate people, should we not bless our stars for being so fortunate, leading a comfortable life. We cannot forget our roots, the people and the events that shaped our lives. In our cut throat competition to achieve success somehow, we become so mean, selfish and self-centered and often resort to unethical and foul means to knock out others whom we consider threat to us in realizing our ambition. However, the success achieved by foul means makes people miserable, guilty feeling constantly tormenting them. The “success can only be one ingredient in happiness, and is too dearly purchased if all the other ingredients have been sacrificed to obtain it.” Albert Einstein, in a note given to a Bellboy in 1922 at the Imperial Hotel Tokyo, as he didn’t have money to pay tips, wrote: “A calm and modest life brings more happiness than the pursuit of success combined with constant restlessness” (the note auctioned in Jerusalem in 2017 for an astronomical sum of $1.6 million).
Envy: Next to worry one of the most potent causes of unhappiness is envy. People are envious and jealous of others achievements. Professional jealousy is a recipe for self destruction. In fact, genuine admiration and appreciation of others accomplishments increases one’s happiness. Everyone is gifted with some talent, if someone is a good singer; someone else is a good writer. Life is a great leveling process. Hence instead of envying at others success and popularity, one should look inward and search within. If budding cricketers admire the legendary Sachin Tendulkar for his monumental achievement and learn something, instead of envying him, they too are bound to achieve success in their profession. One can get away from envy by enjoying doing the job in hand with sincerity of purpose and dedication, unhindered by internal and external pressures. People are miserable because they do not enjoy the job they are doing, leading to eventual failure in their profession. And when job becomes monotonous, boredom sets in, resulting in loss of interest in the job and the creativity, diminishing the ability to face adverse work situations.
To Russell, “Of all the characteristics of ordinary human nature envy is the most unfortunate, not only does the envious person wish to inflict misfortune and do so whenever he can with impunity but he is also himself rendered unhappy by envy. Instead of deriving pleasure from what he has he derives pain from what others have.”
Subservience: What we see in Indian work culture is subservience. Superiors expect from subordinates unquestioned loyalty. Any disagreement with the Boss on a policy matter or manner of unilateral decision making is looked with suspicion. People in the positions of power and authority do not realise that accommodating different points of view enhances one’s leadership, and that sycophants and self-seekers who nod the head with the boss on everything and say things that please the boss to curry favors cause more harm to organisation. The Boss, who is not self-assured and fund wanting in caliber and competence, develops fear, anxiety and a sense of insecurity, leading to concentration of more power through manipulation, using unethical means and flouting the norms. And subordinates become subservient to the boss to secure their own positions. This subservient culture creates uneasy relation and is the root cause of many an unpleasant situation, making employees at work place unsatisfied and discontented. Nobel laurel Johan Steinbeck was right when he said, “Power does not corrupt. Fear corrupts…the fear of loss of power.” And when fools get into positions of power, they corrupt the power. Power unless used for larger good of an organization will create megalomaniacs who love power to control people in order to realise their personal goals.
Similarly, parents and teachers expect children to be conformists and subservient; education, marriage and career forced on them, leading to discomfort and unhappiness. The boss, the parents, the teachers- all operate in the mistaken belief that their happiness lies in the unquestioned obedience to them, reflecting badly upon their own failures in a way.
Unliberated Mind: One of the greatest sources of unhappiness is the tyranny of social system. It is amazing that despite huge advancement in science and technology, people by and large are not truly liberated from the crushing obstructive social system. In the Indian context, the child marriage, the institution of marriage, the dowry system, and the gender inequality are the causes of untold misery and suffering. It is shocking to know that the urban educated and working women are no more liberated than the rural illiterate and semi-literate women from the norms of patriarchy. Kerala is the most literate state in India, with more than 95 per cent female literacy. And yet crimes against women are rising in the state, with increasing number of women committing suicide due to dowry-related violence. If this is the situation in otherwise considered a progressive southern state, imagine the condition of people in BHIMARU states of north India.
Professor N. Neetha of Centre for Women’s Development Studies, New Delhi, says that in Kerala “:while basic socio economic problems of class and caste were addressed gender based exploitation remained unaddressed…Though girls are allowed to pursue their education marriage prospects are given priority over economic independence. …the restrictions on women’s economic choices or their withdrawal from education or employment after marriage are all indications of a gendered social fabric…. Even when women earn, they rarely have an equal role in decision making… “So the modernity is a skin deep and education has not empowered the women. Woman is the enemy of woman, inasmuch as a mother trains her daughter to be good housewife, who learns to surrender her individuality and tolerate domestic violence at her matrimonial home.
All this is self inflicted misery, devoid of human dignity and self respect.
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